How to Destroy the Earl in 24 Hours
by Ita-Neo
Summary: There are more practical ways to take down the Earl and the Noahs than the Innocence oriented tactics the Order's been using for the past century. Komuvitan D is one of them. CRACK


**Author Note:** Alright, the whole purpose of this fanfiction (which is complete and utter crack)? Get Tyki cornered by a mob of zombies. That and watch the ever so dignified Noah family be reduced to a mob of slobbering...well...zombies. Komuvitan D. You are Komui's best invention yet. Sorry Komurin.

**How to Destroy the Earl in 24 Hours**

**Chapter 1: The Beginning  
**

It all started with Jasdevi.

Because Devitto and Jasdero were many things. They were crazy, possibly brother complexed, egotistic, exceedingly feminine, sadomasochists, make up addicted, etc.

However, they were not smart. In fact, to be perfectly honest, they were downright stupid.

Even dumber than Tyki, which was saying something since his previous occupation happened to be a hobo.

Even dumber than Rhode, also saying something since she's still in middle school.

Even dumber than Kanda (sort of irrelevant since he's not a noah, but since practically everyone has a crush on him and his girly epicness, nobody cares), and that was just sad since he spent half his life locked up in a research facility getting killed and the other half chopping trees/akuma/Lavi Bookman as a hobby/living/natural impulse. Respectively, of course. Plus you have to admit, for all his good looks, Kanda was sort of an idiot.

Anyhow, back to Jasdevi, because digressions (concerning girly men with large fanbases) are for the weak.

Because they never watched Alice in Wonderland, they never learned the basic rule of life. AKA drinking something labeled "Drink Me" wasn't always the greated idea in the world.

Well, actually the note attached to the bottle of god knows what sent to their room wasn't exactly that simple. It actually went along the lines of

_Dear Jasdebi_

_We love you! So we wanted to give you something that'll make you guys so drunk that you'll start randomly stripping in public, so we stuffed in some pretty high concentration liquor in this package. We hope you like it! _

_-You're loving (and anonymous since we're afraid for our lives) exorcis...I mean, fangirls_

**(Mid chapter omake)**

_Two days ago, somewhere in the Black Order HQ_**  
**

"I still don't understand why I have to write this." Link grumbled, feeling his masculinity plus chastity (cause everyone knows Howard Link is about as far removed from sex as Cross is from alcohol prohibition reform groups, though maybe that's not too far away since said reform groups consisted mostly of women) level taking critical damage with each word he wrote.

Allen patted the inspector on the shoulder. "Because Lenalee's last impression of the twins was so bad that everytime she tried to write it, it ended up with various obscure death threats that nobody ever wouldn't expected out of her. Plus, out of me, you, Kanda, and Lavi, you're the only one who can make it through writing a fangirl letter and emerge with enough manliness to spare." He said brightly, and was subjected to an electrically relevant talisman to the face.

**(Mid chapter omake end)**

Anyways, you get the point.

And yes, the letter did wonders to inflate Jasdevi's already fit to burst egos.

So it didn't take long for them to down the whole damn thing, and did the Order not consider the possibility of them dying from alcohol poisoning before they could spread the virus around and obliterate the Earl and the Noahs through more practical means than the Innocence oriented tactics the Order's been using for the past century?

In other words, Komuvitan D is a most beautiful thing.

AKA the stuff they just drank was spiked with an extra large dosage of zombie virus.

Far away, the timer started ticking.

23:59:59. 23:59:58. 23::5957...

The destruction of the Noah family commences.

* * *

22:47:37

She was not going to forgive Allen Walker. Ever.

Lulubell was furious, just thinking about the white haired boy and his stupid sword. Oh wait, his sword was just like the Earl's sword, she couldn't call it stupid. "But it destroyed Master's precious egg!" She thought angrily, already looking forward to ripping out Walker's internal organs and feeding them to the akuma. So if it's with Walker, then it was stupid. If it was with the Earl's, then it wasn't.

But they were still the same. So...no, she had to think this out. It's the same sword, but its stupidity depends on its wielder. Right, she's got it now. She's-

The door to her room was kicked open.

"Lulu, you here?" Was a disoriented call.

Lulubell cringed at the voice, and turned to face its owner(s). "Jasdevi?" She regarded him with suspicion, a little annoyed that he had broken her train of thoughts. "It's rare that you go into your combined form outside of battle." She said placidly, noting with distaste the little streaks of...drool...coming down from the corner of his mouth. "Something the...matter?"

Jasdevi grinned very oddly. The veins on his temple were more prominent than usual, and she was faintly sure that his eyeballs were rolled up too high for her to see the pupils. What was that term that humans used? Ah, right. He looked a little...zombie like, for the lack of a better ter-

He bite her. Ew.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, I was going to make it a oneshot at first. But I changed my mind, for various reasons that I don't want to state. It's my first D. Gray Man fanfiction. I tried my best. Let me withdraw in peace. (I really don't know if Lulubell's stupid not, honestly. I mean, she seems like she could be smart, in different fields). And don't get me wrong, I love Kanda. But out of the four main exorcists, he's kind of the dumbest one, so yeah.


End file.
